The New Moon trailer’s out. *GIGGLESQUEEGIGGLE* /sarcasm. In case you haven’t seen the joyous masterpiece yet, here it is (what a great default video picture, a half naked Taylor Lautner >.<):
Okay, dissection time. This dissection/critique is a little long because for some reason, I took it upon myself to comment on everything possible. If you are a hardcore Twifan reading this and take it upon yourself to try and refute everything I say/mention, please note that I will most likely not reply, and your opinions will not change mine. Everyone’s entitled to their own opinions, and this is mine about Twilight in general and the trailer. However, if I made mistakes concerning the trailer or the books, corrections for them are welcome.
Side note: TTM stands for Twilight the Musical, which is the most amazing parody of Twilight I have ever seen. I will be randomly quoting it throughout this, so if you want to understand what I’m talking about, check it out at: http://www.twilightthemusical.com (it’s still a work in progress).
Okay, so the trailer starts out with a panning over of scenery, blah de blah who cares. There’s ominous music playing in the background. It doesn’t take a really pretentious person to figure out that there’s a premonition of something bad. Scene change to nighttime, where Bella’s red truck drives into the scene (TTM: “I got you a truck. It was really cheap, like you”).
0:14
Bella: “It’s my birthday, can I ask for something? ….Kiss me.”
And then proceeds what has to be the most unemotional kiss that ever existed in the history of movies. Seriously, I thought Edward and Bella had no compatibility on paper, and now on the big screen, every time they get together it seems like the compatibility factor decreases by ten. It’s probably hit the negatives by now. I mean, I understand that this was supposed to be an “aww such a loving couple” scene, but the lack of emotion from both sides just makes it extremely bland.
0:22
Bella: “I love you.”
Those three words probably had even less emotion than the kiss, if possible. This is turning out to be a great trailer already…
0:24
Edward: “You’re my only reason to stay. Alive, if that’s what I am”
You say that, but you really don’t look like you mean it. In fact, you’re practically emotionless. Here the Twifans go “but he’s a VAMPIRE!! He has an excuse for being practically emotionless!” Well that may be true, but seriously, Edward/RPatts looks like he’d rather be anywhere but there, and thus the romance aspect of the whole movie starts to fall apart since the actors/actresses don’t even sound/look like they’re in love.
0:30
Scene change to Bella’s birthday party at the Cullens. All the Cullens are there (TTM: “Edward, Emmett, Alice, Jasper, Carlisle, Esme, Rosalie”) Alice is all excited about the party, informing Bella about her presents and her cake. At least Alice is portrayed by an actress who can show emotions. Kudos to you, Ashley Greene.
0:36
Bella: “Alice, that cake could feed fifty, and you guys don’t even eat.”
Oh Kristen Stewart, I love how you even carry out even potentially humorous lines with the same monotonous voice that you proclaim your love for Edward with, although it does fit Bella’s monotonous personality in the books (EDWARD I LOVE YOU MARRY ME), so maybe KStew’s doing a good job. *Shrug*
0:42
Bella: “Ow, papercut.”
OH NO Bella gets a paper cut (TTM: “I’m so clumsy and begrudgingly in love!”). There’s a closeup of KStew’s face, emotionless as ever (wait, is that a slight grimace I see? Oh, good job KStew, progress!). The music gets darker and louder, signaling soon-coming action. A drop of Bella’s blood falls ever-so-dramatically to the carpeted floor. Jasper freaks out and starts vampysprinting towards Bella, Edward goes D: and pushes Bella away (a little forcefully I might say, it seems she fell into the table) while whirling around and throwing Jasper back, resulting in him crashing into the piano (the poor piano!). Oh, joyful action. Actually, I think the only thing that made the scene suspenseful was the music. The rest was just like “…okay wow, lame, next.” Insert the Twifans who go “but they’re VAMPIRES, and Jasper can’t control himself, so it adds to the suspense!! Bella could have seriously gotten hurt!” Yea, seriously, stop playing the vampire pity card. I think Bella got more hurt by being shoved into a table than by what Jasper might have done. And honestly, come on, we ALL knew Edward would be there saving her sorry, clumsy ass. There’s no suspense if you know the outcome.
0:52
Bella: “What happened with Jasper is nothing.”
Edward: “Nothing compared to what could have happened, and I promise to never put you through anything like this ever again. This is the last time you’ll ever see me.”
Scene change to a forest. Okay first off, I have to comment on the facial expressions through this whole conversation. Good old RPatts has his constipation face back on. KStew, on the other hand, has a face that says “okay let me attempt to look heartbroken so that we can end this scene already, and then I can go home at long last and get the hell away from this set and movie.” No emotion whatsoever, as usual. No wonder her only friend is a cactus (TTM reference). But yea, back to the trailer. Edward leaves Bella with yet another unemotional kiss on the head and leaves. And all the Twifans start to bawl.
Seriously, I think I’m going to go into the movie theater when New Moon comes out with a jar to collect change. Donate your tears of sadness and longing to charity! Ten cents for every tear that falls because you miss your Edward. Twenty-five if it’s just a single tear.
1:09
Good job Edward, you left your ex girlfriend standing in the middle of a forest, where potential predators *cough* could be lurking. Now Bella’s all heartbroken (or pretending to be at least, on KStew’s part) and is reduced to a crying wreck on the forest floor. I have a feeling this won’t turn out well.
1:13
Laurent: “How much could you mean to him if he left you here, unprotected? But I can’t help myself. You are so… mouthwatering…”
Woo, my feeling turned out to be right, though I suppose it was a rather obvious prediction. So yea, Laurent somehow finds Bella, and now they’re in the middle of some sort of clearing. Bella’s standing there looking impassive and dumbfounded as usual. And now Laurent wants to eat her. Literally. Blood-red eyes and all. Way to go Edward, what good judgment you have! …Wait, I thought vampires’ eyes got black when they were bloodthirsty? Oh well, who pays attention to the details in the book anyway? And uh, Bella why are you just standing there while he’s fondling your face? What happened to the flight stimulator in your body that should have been urging you to get out of the dangerous situation? Here the Twifans go “but she was rooted to the ground by fear! And she’s heartbroken!” Okay, really? She had enough courage (and stupidity) to go try and fight James in the first movie, who was much more potentially dangerous I believe. Now she can’t even try to get away from Laurent? Also, I highly doubt there is one person here that would not at least attempt to get away from or fight a person who was threatening to kill you. Heartbroken or not, I’m pretty positive there’s some intuition inside you that would tell you to freaking RUN, no matter how scared you were.
Oh wait, this is the world of Twilight, I forgot. Since Mary Sues can’t die, I suppose somebody will just have to come and save Bella.
1:25
Cue TLaut to the rescue! My prediction was correct, yet again, and he has his regular hair back. I guess the producers got flooded with letters complaining about his fake hair. Good thing too because it looked ridiculous anyway.
So Jacob appears and sprints toward Bella, Laurent gets distracted, Bella turns and flees while yelling at Jacob to run, and Jacob dramatically shifts into a werewolf and lands on all fours, snarling at Laurent. Cue Team Jacob screaming. I guarantee you when I go see New Moon, this will be one scene that results in a mass of screaming females. And that’s why I’m reminding myself to bring earmuffs.
I have to admit though, as much as I don’t like Twilight or the rest of the trailer, those last few seconds were actually somewhat gripping.
Anyway, thus ends the wonderful New Moon trailer. New Moon is unfortunately coming to a theater near you on November 20, 2009. I can’t believe I just spent an hour of my life writing up this three page long critique. I think I shall go off to do something useful, like perhaps my history homework, and try to get rid of this Twilight madness from my brain.
I shall leave you all with one last TTM quote: “Cold things can’t feel love.”
Have a nice day.
Posted by bluebrisingr 
